Sweet Dreams

Last night I had a pretty good idea. I mean probably a lot of people have been having ideas with this economy. Because everyone seems pretty broke and kind of looking at what to do and what not. A lot of people seem like they are growing weed. That's kind of how things are going.

Anyhow, with that said I had this dream about how I could open a really fancy bakery and all of my treats would be made with weed.

That got me thinking about my past, when I was a young Aimers. Back in like the early 90's...or was it the late 80's my granny owned a bakery in Davis. Nobody in my family knew how to bake or decorate cakes or anything like that so naturally they sent me to a cake decorating school so that at 15 I could decorate all of the cakes we had on order there with the bakery and all of that.

So, I went to this cake decorating school for a while. It was like every Tuesday night for a few months with a couple of older women who were doing it for fun and like one tweeker guy who was trying to get on at Raley's.

I took the class in that one strip mall in Citrus Heights where that Wienershnitzel used to be, I think it might be a Fuddruckers now.

The class was run by Steve. Steve was married to my granny's friend Alva, Steve was really just using Alva for her money but convinced her to open this crazy bakery where they made cookie bouquets. Steve said he used to decorate/bake cakes for all the presidents when he was secret service in the Army.

Long story short I can make some really great frosting roses and leaves and my script to write the people's birthday wishes/names is OFF THE HOOK.

That's my story. If I am able to open my bakery I will locate it in the old Phillip's bakery building on Folsom Blvd and call it Sweet Dreams--because a couple of reasons, it's a Cheech and Chong movie, this came to me in a dream, and cakes are typically sweet--made with sugar.

Aimers Goes Down.

Today while fashioning the cubicles into a big top circus sort of a theme I totally had a table topple over and hit the back of my leg. While the cubicles look totally awesome, I'm left with this huge contusion. Just my luck.

Turning Goldblum

I think my at home science project has gone horribly wrong. I bought this weird little kit down at the Antique Fair a few Sundays ago. The man I bought it from said it was a set of telepods that allow instantaneous teleportation of an object from one pod to another....yeah right dude! Was my immediate reaction. But, since they were only $7.00, I decided to go ahead and buy with my out of state two party check which he said he’d go ahead and accept.

Needless to say the telepods have been sitting in my living room collecting dust since I bought them. Until Tuesday night when I went over to Jah-ONE LOVE-Matt’s house to get irie and smoke a spliff. After which I decided to come home and teleport myself to Jamaica so I could play a steel drum with Bob Marley. Great idea, right? Maybe not people....listen to this.

So I hop in my telepod but just before the door automatically closes, my old autographed picture of Jeff Goldblum slips into the pod, unseen by me. After being teleported I emerge from the receiving pod, seemingly normal, but not in Jamaica.... still in my living room with Marley whaling from my clock radio. What the heck?

Now for the last two days I’ve been feeling and acting just like Jeff Goldblum. I’ve grown ¾ inches since Tuesday evening. My hair is growing rapidly into a jew fro and Ed Begley Jr., has been blowing up my celly. If that’s not enough I woke to find a pair of horn rimmed glasses on my bureau this morning next to an old script for Jurrasic Park. Finally, if things weren’t weird enough when my boss asked me to work Saturday I replied,”No pay, no Goldblum. That's it.”

My only fear now is that Geena Davis is going to come in here and blow my head off any minute.

This really sucks!

~ Jeff “Aimers” Goldblum

What's New With Aimers

Just a few new and exciting things going on with me:

Mondays and Wednesdays I'm teaching yoga at "It's All about Yoga". Come down and learn breathing and stretching techniques that will help heal.

Tuesdays and Thursdays: Working at Espresso Metro, yes folks, we do have ice blended drinks, don't hesitate to come down and cool off.

Fridays: For the most part Fridays are free for me until I begin my Japanese calligraphy course mid-may. Also in the woodworks paper making in my back yard. Have any old cotton, newsprint, or bark that you'd like to make into paper? Call me on my home telephone with availability.

Saturdays: Every Saturday in May I will be teaching an Organic Cooking course at Sierra 2 in room 112. I do ask for a $2 donation.

Sundays: All about me....and the bees. Making local honey alongside one of my dearest friends, Matthew. You may know him as the treasurer of the beekeepers society. Have allergies? Try local honey.

Upcoming events: Asparagus festival; making corn fuel with Bob and Peggy Barts; Recumbent Bicycle Rally;

Again, for more information on any or all of these exciting events, please contact me through this bulletin.

Peace, love, and happiness.
Aimers

An Oldie but a Goodie.

Sunday morning hangover, in need of food.
Jessica stops by in her minivan, freshly detailed with new wire rims.
Playing the myspace mix CD's we found in the bushes outside of my house, stashed by the 14 year old gangsters from next door, we decide to head out for a late breakfast. Jessica, Jerry and I pile in the minivan and head out to the Sub Shack. I think they actually call it The Shack now. Whatever, it doesn't matter because it was closed. We quickly put what brain we had left, together, to come up with a second breakfast joint choice. Jessica suggest Chargins.

I think Chargins is newly Asian owned and operated so I felt right at home.
We opened the menus and Jessica was happy to see a Kiddie Corner on the menu, meaning we have a new place to take the kids on the weekends to have drinks and breakfast at the same time.

If you've never been to Chargins, it's like an East Sac/Jesuit/St.Frances reunion for twenty somethings fresh out of Sac State or UCDavis who are now back home running the family business. Just about everyone that was in Chargins knew one another (except for us). The type of place where the dudes that are 40 used to be just like the dudes that are 25, and they work for one another's uncles and they've all known each other since they moved to the fab 40's or whatever when they were in Kindergarten. Hella bros and their girlfriends, shorts and flip flops or sandals and backwards sunglasses on baseball hats. Hecka shaka.

Jerry, Jess, and I take a seat, Jessica is facing the football game and happy. I'm facing the twenty something table of douchebags in the corner by the window. It's about one o'clock and they are doing what I think are referred to as Irish Car Bombs. They are loud and cussing and crude. Families with children are looking at them in disgust. One girl in particular starts to get under my skin.

She was wearing a terry cloth tube dress and she was WASTED. She had major drunk face going and she was loud talking. She was going from table to table doing her act hot. Soon though she was just all together plastered. At one point she got up to leave the bar, but the owner had to sit her down and then drama ensued, nobody could let drunky (a.k.a. Courtney) leave because of the fact she'd have killed someone out on Jst with her drunk driving. So, they sit her down and call for someone to pick her up. While she waits for her ride (and apparently forgets that a ride is coming or that she had even attempted to leave in the first place), she continues to take shots and gets even drunker. Now she pulls out her camera and pulls down her terry cloth tube dress, exposes her augmented breasts and takes pictures with her friends for myspace. This went on for about ten minutes, the whole restaurant was like in some sort of mass chaos, not knowing what to do. Every single person staring and involved in all of this insanity. We can't stop laughing and talking sh*t quietly at our table.

Finally our bill comes. We walk to the front door. At this point I looked right at drunk faced Courtney and yelled "HEY, (and she looks up cockeyed) I HOPE YOU CATCH ON FIRE".

We proceeded to walk to the mini van and all of a sudden we hear major Douche dude, say, Hey, I hope YOU catch on fire...and we started laughing, like HA, HA, HA...kind of instigating him/them more...then he said, I've got three girls here that want to kick your as*....and here they come. Courtney is seriously monster walking down the street towards us with the universal you want a piece of me? arms held high in the air.

We got in the minivan, "poor Jerry" was like, lock the doors, and so this swarm of girls and guys come to the window...and Courtney is yelling for Jessica to unlock the door and she is trying to get in the car and Jessica just keeps pointing and laughing at her, and this made that monster more and more angry...then Jessica said, you are a hot mess honey and terry cloth tube dresses went out in 2003...then she rolled down her window and asked the Italian girl and the other littler girl that also wanted to beat us up to move their drunk friend from the rode before she got hit by the minivan....so they moved her, and we left, and we laughed about it all day. It was awesome. The kind of thing hadn't happened in a real long time.

The blind leading.....

Now that Aimers doesn't have cable television she is forced, not only to speak in third person, but to watch regular old television.

This means fidgeting with the bunny ears atop my hand me down television sans remote control until I pick up a signal. For the last two weeks I've been able to somewhat see American Idol on Tuesday nights.

I'm not sure who else has watched this, but it feels like I'm slowly watching the world crumble. It's horrible. Not only that, they've allowed a blind man to perform. Which, I guess is fine, but how about a little forewarning? Dark glasses? Cane? I don't know.

As I was trying to do a morning talky talk with my co-workers I suggested how creepy American Idol was and how this one guy in particular really freaked me out, the guy that played the piano. Everyone giggled at me and told me he was actually blind. That made a little more sense, I guess. But...what the fuck? What in the fuck is going on?

Ugh.
Aimers

Tom's Pad

This year the St. Pat's festivities at Tom's Pad were off the hook, so much so, I've only just now been able to get my wits about me to write about it. Apparently we had too many whiskey shots....whew.

Anyways, anyhows, thanks Tommy for all the corned beef cabbage, lamb stew, paper airplanes, LED ZEP, and all that stuff. It's much appreciated.

Erin Go Bragh.

Thunder Bullets

Where's Aimers?

See if you can spot Aimers all up in the local nightlife, 916 bebe.

Warrior

I don't have much to say about this except for my child is better than most.

Quick List

Hello folks.
Here is a quick list of current things that have been annoying Aimers. Please take note:

Allergies (not mine, other people's...get over it already)
Economy Talk
Email Forwards
Babies
Chirping Birds
Girl Scout Cookies
Commuter Mugs
Talking
Bread Bowls
Bridge Tolls
Fashion

I guess that's it for now. I said it was a quick list.
Aimers