Thursday, May 28, 2009

Turning Goldblum

I think my at home science project has gone horribly wrong. I bought this weird little kit down at the Antique Fair a few Sundays ago. The man I bought it from said it was a set of telepods that allow instantaneous teleportation of an object from one pod to another....yeah right dude! Was my immediate reaction. But, since they were only $7.00, I decided to go ahead and buy with my out of state two party check which he said he’d go ahead and accept.

Needless to say the telepods have been sitting in my living room collecting dust since I bought them. Until Tuesday night when I went over to Jah-ONE LOVE-Matt’s house to get irie and smoke a spliff. After which I decided to come home and teleport myself to Jamaica so I could play a steel drum with Bob Marley. Great idea, right? Maybe not people....listen to this.

So I hop in my telepod but just before the door automatically closes, my old autographed picture of Jeff Goldblum slips into the pod, unseen by me. After being teleported I emerge from the receiving pod, seemingly normal, but not in Jamaica.... still in my living room with Marley whaling from my clock radio. What the heck?

Now for the last two days I’ve been feeling and acting just like Jeff Goldblum. I’ve grown ¾ inches since Tuesday evening. My hair is growing rapidly into a jew fro and Ed Begley Jr., has been blowing up my celly. If that’s not enough I woke to find a pair of horn rimmed glasses on my bureau this morning next to an old script for Jurrasic Park. Finally, if things weren’t weird enough when my boss asked me to work Saturday I replied,”No pay, no Goldblum. That's it.”

My only fear now is that Geena Davis is going to come in here and blow my head off any minute.

This really sucks!

~ Jeff “Aimers” Goldblum