Friday, January 25, 2008


I finally overcame my fear of heights and headed down to the Hansel J. Kubric stilt walking course held at Sierra II through the Learning Exchange. This $50 course lasts five hours and teaches you how to construct your own stilts, which costumes get your crowd pumped, how to actually walk around on stilts, how to get out of your stilts and caring and storage of stilts. Excrutiating at first, I was open to everything Hansel had to say and within the first hour of instruction was up and able to walk. Hansel laughed and said I looked sort of like a baby colt, I had to laugh too, I really did.

Now to give this gift back to you, my fans, I'm offering to work birthday parties and corporate events for $25 per hour. This does include balloon animals and funny jokes with the costume seen in the picture (can be subsituted for a jazz singer).

Shoot an email if you're interested.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Our Attempt at Going Green

Saturday afternoon, was beautiful and sunny. Taking a cue from the recent media onslaught of all the white people going green, we decided to pick the orange tree in the front yard. Winding up with nearly 100 ripe, juicy Naval oranges, we made a sign and took the fruits of our labor to the corner over by Crepeville (douche central). It was an uncomfortable feeling, being stared and pointed at by the weekender in Curtis Park crowd. But, within minutes a Volvo, corn powered VW Westfalia, and Toyota Prius all pulled up in unison. People were out of their cars with their recyleable grocery bags in hand, filling them to the top with our delicious and well priced oranges. We sold out in under 10 minutes.

We took the $10 we made and bought a pack of cigarettes and some gasoline.
It really ended up being worth our while and this just goes to show how much money we can make off of these go-green bastards.

Four Eyes

As if life couldn't get any more exciting for Aimers, it all changes with one eye examination. Last week I went and saw Dr. Fong, an optometrist over in Natomas, right by Applebee's. Through the examination of my eyes, Dr. Fong was able to determine that I have a hard time focusing, go figure. Three days later I have these glasses to use while I sit at my computer or read. It feels a little like being in a bubble, but I have found that my ability to focus has been extraordinary. I'm reading so much more now and feel much smarter already. I think it is safe to say that I will climb at least one step on the proverbial career ladder in no time.

Thanks Dr. Fong.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Found...but Lost

Found dead dog

Reply to:
Date: 2008-01-14, 9:11AM PST

I found a reddish brown smaller dog (about 40 pounds) that had been hit by a car and died by the side of the road. Male with rather large upright ears and reminded me of some type of a terrier but not a pit bull - no pit bull. It had short hair and a pointed nose - maybe a mix but it was hard to tell the exact breed - as I kept looking at his upright larger ears and they seemed big for a smaller dog. I wish I had taken a photo of him but didn't think of it at the time. Reminded me of a fox but his tail was not bushy. The County Pound has the information on him. I don't have more details because it was sad and hard for me to carry him - but I didn't want to leave him by the side of the road. He reminded me of one of my dear dogs - may he rest in peace.

Johnny The Motivational Retard

This picture is of Barbara Glanz, a motivational speaker, this video clip is some bullshit that Barb concoccted to motivate people while making money off of her DVD and book. If you have a minute, watch the clip.

This was passed through to me by Mel who had received as a work email along with a string of one hundred comments like "WOW, this really touched my heart" and "THIS IS BEAUTIFUL -- PLEASE WATCH!!!!". After watching and discussing with my associates, we were ready to puke through our hands. There are some major holes in this story, as in, I doubt Johnny had written enough daily quotes with the help of his dad to be prepared for that triple length line that went to the frozen isle section. Why do people believe this stuff? Do they really think that Johnny the retarded bagger has the ability to change the world one post-it at a time? Do they really believe that Johnny even exists? I mean do people named Johnny even exist?

Well, to answer that question, Johnny Bookout existed. His story was sad, not inspirational. I mean really, just an adopted foul-mouthed kid who tortured his sister and her friends. Never moved out of his parents' home, worked intermittently as some sort of mechanic but mainly sold drugs out of his parents' garage. Johnny died of an overdose in his childhood bed at the age of 35. While he wasn't as inspirational as Johnny the Retard, he did coin the terms, taco twins and burrito sisters for J-Mo and Mel and referred to his sister and mom as m-fers.

It's unfortunate I don't have any DVD's or books about Johnny Bookout. But think of him the next time you want to forward an interesting awe inspiring story to your co-workers, you'll thank me for it.

The Connection

The first time it happened I was at my Grandma Jane's house. She had a picture cut out of this actress and was telling the family how this girl looked just like me, it was Meg Ryan, I think I was like 15 or 16 and had no idea who she was but was kind of embarassed by the whole thing and how everyone kept doing there comparing. Being an awkward little opossum, I didn't really know how to react. Since then, some 20 years ago, I've gotten about one Meg Ryan comment per month per year. Now, it has become a joke with my friends and I. It's almost like getting a beaver shot, you never know when it is going to happen, and you certainly can't prepare, but when you get This weekend as Mel Mel and I inched up to the bar, it happened, right there in front of everybody. Now, I've put it out here to the world, and I bet just like that the comments will stop. It's ok though, because Meg is looking a bit hurt these days.

Happy hunting.

Let's Not Forget

In the not so far away past this was what Katie Holmes looked like. Herpes, long lifeless hair, glasses, total NERD!, agreed? Over the last year, with the help of her robotic and scientologic husband, she has transformed into a sort of modern day vampire blow up doll yet American sweetheart. It's creepy. I don't get it, but will say, that this transformation will hopefully gives girls like Britney some hope and peace of mind that they to can turn it all around. Maybe instead of having turned to Madonna and the kaballah, Britney should've turned over $19.95 to buy that L.Ron Hubbard book and had been able to have Tom and Katie at her beckon call. Hopefully, it isn't too late, and if all else fails, Dr. Phil seems to have it handled.

I'm rooting for you BRIT!!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Being an Aunt

Dudes, as you know I adore being a mom. It's my greatest since of accomplishment and my kid is the most fun and creative guy that I've ever met. He keeps me laughing non-stop and makes me think in different ways.

But, being an Aunt is also pretty fucking great. Being an Aunt means you don't have to stay too long, but that you get to dole out sugar and let your niece stay up way too late. Being an Aunt means that your niece can eat as many Bartlett pears as she wants while smashing them into her pretty pink clothing. Being an Aunt means that everyone can run wild and make a mess and I don't even have to pick it up. But most importantly, being an Aunt means that I am somebody's favorite person, and that's just cool.

Fur Trimmed Even

One of our own has a pair of pink fur lined crocs. They are kept by her front door. She says she uses them around the house and hasn't actually left the house with them on, but later admitted to taking the garbage to the street in them. I got this action shot of the crocs on a current visit to her East Sacramento home. I'm not sure how I feel about any of it. Only time will tell if these wounds can be healed.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Dr. Fox

When I was little my mom and granny went to this dentist, Dr. Fox.
He's the one that made that gold miner statue in old town Auburn.
In addition to his gold miner, he created and erected huge nude females in front of his dentist's office that shoot arrows into the blue, blue sky...and most importantly he is also the one my mom posed nude for in exchange for free dental work.

Yesterday we took Gio by to see the statues and I took it as an opportunity to let him know that the statue in my granny's backyard of the naked female by the pool is actually his grandmother and that these beautiful nude bow and arrowers were also inspired by her sweet sweet bod. The apple-bottoms don't fall too far from the tree.